Sunday, January 29, 2012

I'm Not Ready For This

So, I've been thinking a lot lately.  About my life, about motherhood, about where I want to be in 20 years. 

I think part of this was inspired by a conversation Ashley and I had a couple weekends ago. 

My friend (and awesome neighbor) Heather and her daughter Marlee popped by and asked Ashley to go do a little shopping with them at Justice.  Ashley *adores* Marlee because Marlee is older and also totally super cool.  Ashley was SUPER excited.  Then somehow Heather and I decided I would go too, because I'm always up for a Justice shopping spree.  Especially when the entire store is 40% off, boo-yah!

We agreed to be ready to go in 15 minutes.  But then while I was brushing my hair, Ashley came to see me in the bathroom very quiet and shy.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"  And she said, "Mommy, I don't want to tell you because it will make you really, really sad."

I said, "Uh oh," and was thinking she hit one of her brothers or something.  But that wasn't it.

"Just tell me, honey.  What is it?"

She looked down at the floor and laid it out for me as gently as she could.  "Mommy, I wanted to go to Justice with Marlee and Heather by myself."

Ugh.  I gotta say, it hurt.  A lot.  6 years old and already disinviting me to things!

I understand why.  I do, I do.  But oh, I'm not ready for this stage.  I'm not.   

And you know what was worse was how I reacted.  I laid on the guilt, big-time.  What can I say, being passive-agressive is my super power.

So yeah, it got me thinking.  About how I need to get myself in check for the next time something like this happens.  I don't want to be a guilt-imparting mother.  At least not about stupid stuff like this - I need to save it up for talks about drinking and speeding and how she doesn't visit me enough in the nursing home. 

And it also got me thinking about how as important as this mothering business is, it is just as important that I don't lose myself in the process.  One day - before I know it, actually - Ashley and the boys are going to be grown up, living their own lives, making their own friends, having their own relationships, dreaming their own dreams.  And I am going to be on the outside looking in.  That's just the way it works, I guess.

And it feels like it's already starting.  



Holly Ann said...

Aww, Megan! I'm sorry! That's a tough situation and I feel for you. I have no idea how I'll react when that first happens to me, but I hope I can take it gracefully - Easier said than done! Hugs!

Marcia (123 blog) said...

Aaaawww, Megan, big hugs to you!

Amanda said...

Oh dear, I can't imagine when my boys don't need / want me to do something like this. No doubt I will have a good cry then think how great a parent I must be that my kids are growing in to independent individuals. Hugs

Karen and Gerard said...

Hey, at least she had enough sensitivity to know it was going to make you sad and she did care about your feelings. That's a good thing!

Kristen said...

Oh wow. You mean I only have 3 more years until that happens? That doesn't sound very fun at all. Sorry you had to face that this weekend.

wonderchris said...

C'mon Ashley - your mom is the coolest!!! :D

Stephanie said...

You know, my mothering philosophy bounces between "don't take it too seriously" and "take it so super seriously!" As in, don't get all butt-hurt because she wants to go alone. She is a sassy little girl and sassy little girls like to be independent. But DO take seriously how you react to her. THAT has the power to make her feel so good or so bad. Let her know that its ok! Now, you may be wondering why I'm such an expert? Its because my kids are babies and I have no actual experience with this! So make sure you take all my advice. LOL Sucks when your kids hurt your feelings.

Jen said...

Ugh! That is so harsh. It sucks at how early we have to start letting go.

Barbara Manatee said...

I'm totally caught in between "feeling your pain" and "being jealous."

My 2 were invited for a play date this weekend. The other mom totally said "don't worry about sticking around - go shopping - do whatever YOU want for a few hours." Meanwhile my kids, going to a friend's house for the first time, didn't want me to leave.

I did try to suggest them staying by themselves, b/c the thought of some time to spend some gift cards was VERY tempting, plus I knew they'd be totally fine w/o me...but I was also ok with staying b/c (1) I was secretly glad they wanted me to and (2) I like the other mom and it was a nice chat for a few hours. :-)

Rebecca @ Unexplained X2 said...

I love the fact that she thought about how telling you would make you sad. That is VERY sweet.

I know I'm going to be left out of all sorts of things. There are days when I already am ("I don't want you MOMMY!"). I think it's harder when it's the girly stuff b/c that stuff is so much fun and we just want to share everything with our daughters, but they're going to completely blow us off and make us feel like we know nothing...good times.

Why did we have kids again? LOL