Wednesday, March 30, 2011

The Pickle Story

I can't help it. I've gotta tell it.

Sometime last week or so, I was making the kids peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch. Well, technically I made Owen just a peanut butter sandwich since he refuses to eat jelly, but I digress.

Anyway, they all wanted pickle spears with their sandwiches. And being the loving accommodating mother that I am, I said, "Sure, no prob," and then dished out a spear to each.

All was well. Except then Ashley noticed that Aidan had a bigger pickle spear than she did.

What followed was my favorite conversation ever among my three children. A conversation that I'm sure will be brought up at many inopportune moments in their future, because I am mean like that.

"Mommy, I want the biggest pickle! I love big pickles!" said Ashley. Heh.

Then Aidan said, somewhat braggingly, "I have a big pickle cuz I a big boy." Heh heh.

And then Owen said, very sadly, "I just have a little pickle." Heh heh heh heh heh!

Oh, kids. You make it so easy sometimes.


Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Stupid PetPeeve Tricks

So, I know I see a lot of bloggers out there talking about their pet peeves.  And since I like to think of myself as a shameless copycat, I am going to join right on in. 

And in keeping with my shameless copycat-ness, and also my love of playing on words, I'm going to call my pet peeve posts:

Stupid PetPeeve Tricks

Because its my blog and I said so.  And I doubt David Letterman reads Twinsomnia, so I'm not going to worry about copyright.  Even though I'm a lawyer.  But nobody knows that, right?  Also, FYI - technically there are no tricks.  I just like the way it sounds.

Anyway.  On to my first Stupid Pet Peeve Trick!


*Image Not Drawn To Scale

You know the ones.  All the restaurants are serving them lately.  They are GINORMOUS, one-size-fits-all sodas.  And because they are so GINORMOUS, these restaurants think they can charge you upwards of $2.75 for them.  Granted, you usually get unlimited refills, but people - WHO NEEDS UNLIMITED REFILLS OF GINORMOUS SODAS!?!?!?!

I am 5 feet 3 inches tall (5' 4" on a good day).  I weigh...well, I'm not going to tell you what I weigh, but it's a reasonable number, thank you very much.  These ginormous sodas are bigger than my STOMACH.  And They are certainly bigger than my bladder (thanks Aidan and Owen).

There is no way  I can drink all of that soda.  I maybe get a quarter of the way down.  So, if my gigantic soda cost $2.75, I am only drinking $0.68 worth of soda.  That is just not economical.

What happened to being able to order a soda size?  I would just like a small soda, please.  Just one little, reasonably sized glass of carbonated beverage that only sets me back 75 to 99 cents.  I don't need a refill.  I'm good with just one, thanks.  One small glass.  That's all I want.  Is it too much to ask? 

I might have to start ordering water with dinner, just to make a point.  Or....maybe I could start sneaking in a soda in my purse.  Yes, that would be weird.  But people, we must stand tall against GIGANTIC sodas!   Small bladders of the world, unite!

Tune in next time for another Stupid PetPeeve Trick of mine...people who stalk you for your parking spot when there is another spot open right over there.  Oh, and pet spas...seriously people?  Seriously???

Monday, March 28, 2011

Love Hurts

Yesterday, as I was bent over trying to fish a frying pan out of the cabinet to make cheese quesadillas for the boys, Scott walked by and gave me a smack on the tush.

Then he and I both said, almost simultaneously, " back!"

Geriatric love. It's what's for dinner.


Sunday, March 27, 2011

The Candy Fruit Vegetable Game

Ashley invented a board game the other day. It's called the "Candy Fruit Vegetable Game."

Watch out Milton Bradley.


Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Nobody Puts Vanna in a Corner

Tonight over a home-cooked meal of Swiss Steak and noodles, I said to Scott, "Maybe what I need is a date."

He said, "Yes, I was just thinking we needed a date night."

Ashley chimed in. "Mommy, what's a date night?"

"Well, it's a night where daddy and I spend time together, just the two of us."


I turned back to Scott. "So what do you think we should do? Got any ideas?"

Ashley chimed in again. "I know what you should do, mommy."

Well, this should be interesting, I thought.

"You could take turns with the keyboard. First, daddy will have a turn. Then you can have a turn. You can share!"

(The "keyboard" is what my kids call the iPad. I find it too cute to correct them.)

"Oh, well that sounds like fun. Then what should we do?"

"Um, you should watch that one show. With the wheel and the little tiny lady in the corner. You know, where people spin the wheel? And then they get money, I think? But not if they get the black spot, I dont think you get money then. And then they go to the ocean and the beach when they win the money. And sometimes there's a man at the wheel, he tells people what to do."

"Are you talking about Wheel of Fortune? Where they guess the letters?"

"They don't guess letters, mommy, they make words."

Scott piped up, "Since when do you watch Wheel of Fortune?" But Ashley was too busy planning Dream Date 2011 to stop now.

"After the show, you should go cuddle with each other really close. And then maybe have a snack."

I told her it sounded like a perfect date. A little iPad, Wheel of Fortune, cuddles and a snack...sign me up.

Maybe Ashley should take over the planning for Date Night Challenge. She has a knack for it, don't ya think?


Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Funny How That Is...or Isn't

The problem with writing a humorous blog is that sometimes you don't always feel so humorous.

I've been sitting here thinking, Okay, Meg.  Time to bring on the funny!


Whoops.  Let's try that again.  Ready, set.....FUNNY!

::tick tock tick tock::

Hmmmm.  Maybe I'm thirsty.  Or hungry.  Cookies!  Okay, NOW it's funny time.

::jepoardy music::

Let's face it.  I got nothing.  The funny tank is empty.  All I can think to post about it is a semi-risque story involving my children and pickles that could cause them severe embarrassment issues one day.  And maybe they're starting to get too old for me to do that?  Things to ponder.

See?  I'm totally not feeling funny.  I'm feeling reflective.  Which is a dangerous thing for a humor blog.  Well, maybe not dangerous, per se, but kind of annoying.

Crap.  There I go being reflective again.

Anyhoo, I do need to recap girls' weekend 2011, but that involves pictures which I have not downloaded from my camera yet.  In the meantime, I will try to muster up some funny. 

I'm sure it's coming.  Any minute now.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Girls Just Want to Have Peace and Quiet

I'm going away this weekend with my girlfriends. We're going to this super exotic place - you may have heard of it.

Des Moines.

I prefer to say it with a French accent, so it sounds more impressive. Deh-Mwahn. Or something. It's been a long time since I took French.

Speaking of French, I almost minored in it in college. Except I got intimidated by how well my classmates spoke it. I thought - whoa. I can't keep up with that. They speak so bien, or whatever. Then, on almost the last day of class, I realized that my fluent classmates were Hispanic and had actually been speaking mostly Spanish when I though they were speaking French. So, in all fairness, I probably wouldnt have been that great at French anyways.

C'est la vie.

Anyway, back to Day-Mwah. Nes.

I am sooooo flipping excited. The past few weeks have just been crazy at work (as evidenced by my lack of blogging and visiting other blogs), the kids are still acting like demon robot zombies, and frankly, I just need a big glass of wine. And some shopping. And some girl talk. And then maybe another glass of wine. Oh, and a nice dinner! Where I don't have to cut up anyone's food!

I cannot wait.


Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Forkin' A.

Tonight after dinner, Owen tried to eat a skittle with a fork.

I said to him, "You can't fork a skittle, buddy."

And then Ashley started wondering what types of things could be forked.

"Mommy, can you fork a hat? Can you fork a fan? Can you fork a bowl?"

I started to giggle.

"Can you fork a book? Can you fork a chair? Can you fork a lightbulb?"

Oh, dear God!

"Can you fork a table? Can you fork a tv? Can you fork a 'puter?"

She went on and on. I only got her to stop by saying "You should only fork your food," followed quickly by a silent prayer that she not repeat that statement at preschool tomorrow.

I know I need to stop laughing when she says stuff like this so as not to encourage it. But for fork's sake - sometimes I just can't help myself.


Monday, March 14, 2011

To Lie or Not to Lie

Last weekend, Ashley told a lie.

She wanted to play 'puter games.  Or as they're better known to the English speakers of the world - computer games.

She kept asking me and asking me if she could play.  So I said to her - yes.  But only if you take a nap today.  (Let it be known that Ashley hasn't napped since 2007.  It's been a rough 4 years.) 

Since Ashley loves 'puter games, she dutifully went upstairs to "try" and take a nap.  Now, even though I think my children can do anything they put their minds to - I did not expect much success in this endeavor.  But lo and behold, about an hour later, Ashley came bounding down the stairs saying in a sing-song voice "Moo-mmy, I took a naaaa-aaaaap!"  Followed closely by "Can I play 'puter games?  Can I?  Can I play 'puter games, huh huh can I, pretty please with a cherry on top?"

I looked at her suspiciously.  "Did you really take a nap?"

"Yes, mommy, yes I did.  Daddy said I did, and he said I can play 'puter games."

And since Scott had gone upstairs to check on her awhile back, I figured he had seen her napping with his own eyes and had signed off on the 'puter game request.  So Ashley webbed off to where she proceeded to play Caillou games for the next 45 minutes.  Until Scott came downstairs, and informed me that Ashley had in fact NOT napped and had pulled a fast one on her poor, naive, trusting mother.  Her poor naive trusting mother who's really smart and pretty.  And fun.  Gosh, that mother is awesome!


So, Ashley fessed up, said farewell to 'puter Caillou and sat through a stern talking-to about lying.  But apparently it did not sink in, since later that night she again tried to tell us that she had taken a nap.

Scott said to her, "Ashley, what did we say about lying?"

"I'm not lying, daddy!  I did take a nap!"

I chimed in.  "Ashley you already admitted you didn't take a nap.  Are you really going to try to lie to us again?"

"But mommy, I did take a nap!"

Scott got serious.  "Ashley, are you sure you want to lie again?  Who is listening to you right now?"

"Ummm, mommy and daddy?"

"Yes, and who else?" said Scott.

"Ummm, Aidan and Owen?"

"Yes, and who else?"

She thought hard for a minute.  "Ummm, God?"

Scott said "Yes...and who else?"

Then Ashley heaved a big sigh. 

"Santa," she said dejectedly.

And that, my friends, is when she decided lying wasn't the best idea.  Let's recap, shall we?

In Ashley's mind, you can lie in front of:

1.  Your Family
2.  God

But Santa?  Even Ashley's not that crazy.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Please Don't Tell Me Puberty Is Worse


This week has made me tired.

Have you ever heard of the "Terrible Two's"? Well, the boys are four now, so that's no excuse. But they are both little crankpots lately. Owen told me twice tonight that I wasn't his friend anymore. And I didn't even do anything, I swear! And Aidan was nice to me, but only because he could tell that it was making Owen mad.

I don't know what the heck's gotten into them lately. Maybe aliens have kidnapped them and replaced them with robo-twins? Or demons have possessed them? Or maybe they have been infected with a virus that causes zombie-like rage symptoms?

I don't know. They never really had the Terrible Two's, so maybe they are just late bloomers. Scott and I are calling it the "WTF Fours?" because seriously...WTF?!?!

I miss my sweet boys. Hopefully they are just having a mid toddler-hood crisis and will come back to me soon. And if not...well, God help us all. Nobody can survive the toddler zombie demon robot apocalypse. Nobody.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Flattery Gets You Everywhere - And Also a Big Tip

You know how when you're in school you get grades on stuff?  So you know whether or not you're doing a good job?

I miss that.

I was always really good at school.  So getting good grades at the end of the year always gave me a nice little boost.  Like, okay're doing a good job.  This fancy schmancy professor said so, so it must be true. 

And then when you go to work, you have these things called annual reviews.  And while it's a more nerve-wracking experience than getting a report card, it's always nice to have an opportunity to get feedback from your superiors, especially when it's positive. 

But when you're a parent, you don't get a report card or an annual performance review.  So sometimes it's hard to know whether or not you're doing a good job.

Which is why it was so awesome to get this note from our waiter at Olive Garden this weekend...

Yes.  That's right.  An Olive Garden waiter said my kids were polite.  In writing

This will definitely hold me over till next year.  In fact, I might just laminate it and carry it around in my wallet as proof that I'm doing something right.  I mean, the man at the Olive Garden said so, so it must be true.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Little Things That Make Me Stupid Excited: March 2011 Edition

It's the 1st of the month!  And you know what that means.  It's time to get STUPID excited!!!!

For those of you new to my blog, "Little Things That Make Me Stupid Excited" is a feature I post on the first day of each month. It's like Oprah's Favorite things - if Oprah was really cheap. And loved to shop at Kohl's.

Now, let me make clear that I am not hawking or reviewing products here. Nobody's paying me or providing me with anything. LTTMMSE is just a little outlet for me to exclaim over and dissect little materialistic things that make me ridiculously excited. Sidenote: It doesn't take much, people.

Grab the button below and link on up in the comments if you want to make your own list! I'd love to read what makes you STUPID excited too!! And if you'd like to see my past lists, they're all linked up on my LTTMMSE page.

Little Things That Make Me Stupid Excited


I've got *TEN* stupid exciting things for the month of March!  Let's get started, shall we?


Shamrock Shakes from McDonald's

Let's just start with the big daddy, shall we?  McDonald's Shamrock Shake.  The holy grail of milkshakes, available only around St. Patty's Day at participating McDonald's.  It's my favorite thing about March, and no, I'm not kidding.


Lemonade Girl Scout Cookies

Oh, Lemonades.  This is the first year I have bought you, but I can already tell we are going to have a long, loving relationship.  Well, long in the 48-hour sense, since I plan to eat all of you before then.  I was a bit nervous when I chose you over Peanut Butter Patties this year and reduced my Thin Mints quota down to 3 boxes.  But after tasting you for the first time today, I know I made the right decision. YUM.


"Wholesome Earth" Nail Polish by Sally Hansen (purchased at Target)

I've been really into dark nail polishes lately.  Black's a little too goth for me, so I tend towards the browns or really deep purples.  I'm loving this color from Sally Hansen..."Wholesome Earth."  Sounds like dirt, and kinda looks like dirt too in the bottle, but on my toes it is gorge.  As in gorge-ous, not a geologic gorge.  Let's just stay away from the dirt references, okay?


Green Trench Coat from Kohl's 

This coat.  OMG, this coat.  I love it.  LOVE it.  I got it at Kohl's.  And yes, it's from the Lauren Conrad collection.  Don't judge me.  It's CUTE.  It's STUPID cute.  You know you want one for spring.


Bradford Pear Trees from my Neighborhood

Oh, spring is so close I can almost taste it!  And my favorite part of spring is when the Bradford Pears start to bloom.  It only lasts about a weekend, but when it's here I feel like my neighborhood is a white floaty fairy land.  Can't wait for this year's bloom!


Lean Cuisine Garlic Chicken Spring Rolls

I discovered these little babies when I was cruising the aisles of Super Target last month.  They had their free sample lady out and she said to me "Excuse me, but would you like to try a Lean Cuisine Garlic Chicken Spring Roll?"  And I said, "Why, yes I would, please," followed quickly by a "Where the hell have you guys been hiding these things?!"  I might have scared her a little.  Anyway, I really like these.  And the fact that they're Lean Cuisine?  Even bettah.  Not to be confused with buttah.  Because buttah and Lean Cuisine don't get along very well.


Bento Box at Hiro 88 

There is this awesome Japanese restaurant downtown in my city that has the BEST deal for lunch.  It's a bento box that includes miso soup, salad with that awesome carrot-whatever salad dressing, rice and your choice of 2 items.  I always get 2 California Rolls, but you can get other kinds of sushi, tempura, endamame, etc.  Do you know how much all this costs???  $8.88.  Uh, YEAH.  Sign me UP.  If you live in my town, check out Hiro downtown for lunch.  Maybe I'll see ya there!


I just saw this documentary the other day and loved it.  LOVED.  Check it out.  It kind of confirms a lot of my beliefs about modern art.  Mainly that it's all a bunch of malarkey.  But also, that anything is possible.  And now I really want to know who Banksy is.


The iPad

Yeah, I know this isn't little.  But I am STUPID excited about it.  How in God's green earth did I live without an iPad before?????  Now I can't imagine life without it.



Speaking of my iPad, my newest obsession on it is the app for Boggle.  Yes.  My husband bought me a super expensive electronic toy that can do incredible things....and I mainly use it to play Boggle.  Love me!


And that's it for this month, folks!  Hope you enjoyed the March edition of LTTMMSE!