Saturday, February 21, 2009

Bed & Breakfast & Bemoaning

I had to travel for work last week. Instead of the typical hotel reservation my firm usually sets me up with, a partner recommended that I try out this swanky bed & breakfast in the area that caters to business travelers.

I've never stayed in a bed & breakfast before. And I don't think I ever will again. Me and bed & breakfastes don't mesh well, apparently. Why, you ask? Well, let me detail the reasons for you:

1. Bed and Breakfastes are Freaking Scary

I had non-stop work/meeting/dinner/drink plans from the moment I arrived in town that morning, so I didn't have a chance to check in until almost 9:00 pm. No biggie, right?

Yes, no biggie. That is, unless your bed & breakfast looks like a charming victorian house by day, but morphs into a freaking scary ass haunted house at night. I about peed my pants walking up the darkened walkway looking at the turrets and the shadows and what the hell - are those gargoyles? And then I had to bang on a door-knocker to summon the "innkeeper" before they would let me inside. How flipping scary is that?!

2. Communal Television

I had a tv in my room....but it was teensy tiny. Like so small I could have picked it up off the dresser and put it on the bed right in front of me, and I still would have had to squint my eyes to see whether Ryan Seacrest was having a good or a bad hair day. The *BIG TV* was located down in the communal "family room" of the B&B.

Please - I finally have the opportunity to watch TV where I'm not being pestered constantly to change it to Dora, Diego, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, etc., and they expect me to SHARE it with others??? Screw that. I'll just play on the internet, instead.

3. Except, No Free Wireless Internet

Damn. The B&B makes you pay for internet service!! Well that doesn't seem friendly, now, does it? What kind of a B&B is this?

4. No Digital Clocks

Apparently, digital clocks are not charming enough for B&B's. Therefore, they put little old tick-tock clocks on your bedside table. Little tick-tock clocks that make lots of tick-tock noises. Little tick-tock noises that you can't drown out with the sound of the teensy tiny tv. Tick-tock noises that drive you to the brink of insanity in the middle of the night until you desperately try to pry the battery out because you.just.can't....TAKE IT ANYMORE!

5. Fluffy Towels

Okay, this one sounds weird. But I gotta say, there's something reassuring about the towels in a typical know the ones - they're too small, starched out, sparkling white and kinda feel like sandpaper?? You know that those towels have had the HELL washed out of them. Chemicals galore, bleach, you name it. And even if they aren't washed in such a thorough manner, they're so small and non-absorbant I can't imagine anything nefarious could survive in them for long.

But B&B's on the other hand, have nice, big fluffy towels. That are darker brown. That could hide all sorts of stains. That might have been washed with the cheapo detergent on-sale from the local discount shop. With nice floofy nooks and crannies just waiting to incubate anything nasty that might come its way. Shudder.

6. I'm Not a Breakfast Person

Really, I don't need a B&B. Just a B will do.

Provided that the B is at a Hyatt, or Sheraton, or Marriott, or heck, even the Super 8.


Red said...

I'm with you. I don't "do" B&B's. We spent our wedding night in one, and I was not happy to be summoned via cow bell at 9:00 am to eat breakfast. It was just too...close, intimate. I want a big hotel room where I could be freaking madonna and nobody would notice.

Megan said...

I am totally laughing at the thought of you being summoned to breakfast via cowbell!! Ha ha! I'm glad I'm not the only one who hasn't been charmed by the reality of a B&B. :-)

Heather said...

Being an innkeeper myself, I just had to chortle a little at your blog post. Yes, there are folks that prefer the anonymity of a hotel room where they can "be Madonna" if they like. And we respect those people. And sometimes we stay in hotels or motels too.

But there are also people who enjoy B&Bs.

And guess what?! Not all B&Bs are alike! That's what the web is for--check out the B&B in advance to see if it fits your personality or not. There are plenty of B&Bs that aren't Victorian, that have HDTV on the 42" in the room, that have white towels, that don't charge for using the wireless internet, that wouldn't dream of using a cowbell (hey, I can think of one that doesn't even have a dining room--they only provide a decadent room service and are listed in Best Places to Kiss Northwest)

So, before you throw out the baby with the bath water, take a look. Lots of us innkeepers specialize in taking care of the business traveler. Some of us are more into the couples on vacation. You can be guaranteed of one thing: No two B&Bs are the same!

Thanks for posting.

Anonymous said...

I totally dont see you as a b and ber..especially now that we have kids..i just want a bed all to myself and a tv WITH cable and of course my addictive facebook! Anna

Megan said...

Hi Heather! Most certainly there are many, many people who love B&B's, I absolutely agree with you on that.

I took a peek at your establishment, and it is lovely! And to be honest with you, the B&B I stayed at was perfectly lovely too. But because I am me, I will always find myself in a pickle no matter what I'm doing in life...and this time the pickle consisted of me fretting about imaginary gargoyles and being a germaphobe about perfectly clean, fluffy towels.

Anyways, I'm glad it got a chortle out of you and I hope you know it was purely tongue in cheek. Thanks for popping in to comment! :-)