Monday, June 9, 2008

I Want to Join the Gym

So, after another fairly miserable week with the kids, Scott and I headed out to Lifetime Fitness on Friday night to freaking FINALLY join the gym so he can get a break during the day. We walk in, and oh my flippin' God, this place is HUGE. And BEAUTIFUL.

Wait...did I just say the words "gym" and "beautiful" in the same sentence?? Yes, I think I did.

The plan was to just have Scott join as a "single parent," and then add the kids on but leave me off. ANYONE who knows me knows that I absolutely, 100% do NOT work out. EVER. I don't like to be active, I don't like to sweat, and I am not entirely convinced that working out is actually good for you. Yes, I know what the studies say. But whenever I have tried working out in the past, I get off the exercise bike, or stop running or jumping or whatever the heck I'm doing, and I feel like CRAP. My heart is beating, I'm sweating, my muscles ache...I mean, how the heck can that be GOOD for you?? I like to treat my body well, which to me means curling up on a nice comfy couch under a blanket while I rest. I'm a strong believer in the value of resting.

So, I was all set not to join the gym. But then we went on the tour. Holy crap, this gym had a spa where you can get pedicures! And a little cafe with wi-fi access!! And big old plasma tv's! And jacuzzi's! And indoor and outdoor swimming pools with waterslides! And a SNACK bar!! When we saw the outside pool with the snack bar, I actually heard myself say to Scott: "I want to join the gym."

So I did. I joined the gym.

Oh, and they also showed us the exercise equipment room. I didn't pay much attention to that...I was still too busy hyperventiliating over the snack bar at the pool to notice.

So considering I joined the gym primarily for use of the snack bar (oops, I mean pools), I decided part of my Kohl's coupon needed to go towards the purchase of a brand new swimsuit. Granted, shopping for a bathing suit is never a pleasant experience for anyone (unless of course you're Heidi Klum). But it is even more of a challenge for me due to a little somethin' somethin' called "twinskin."

For those of you who don't know what twinskin is, say a little prayer of thanks to God. Twinskin is a little phenomenon that can result after you have to carry 12 pounds of babies around in your belly. Babies who constantly kick, and stretch, and punch, and puuuuuuush on your skin until it is stretched out beyond repair. Oh, and if you happen to have something called TTTS like I did, a bunch of extra fluid too, which makes your belly go from size zero to "Oh my God, she's going to have those babies ANY MINUTE!!" in about 4 weeks.

So you finally give birth to these babies, and you expect your huge, massive stomach to shrink. Which it does, eventually....but some of the skin gets left behind. And that remaining wrinkly patch of skin is what we mothers of multiples like to call "twinskin." Or as I affectionately call it, "mother-effin' twinskin."

So anyhoo, now do I not only need to find a swimsuit that works on my 32 year old, non-working out flabby body...I also need one that can hide the twinskin. Obviously, bikini's are out. Who am I kidding, bikini's have been out for a looooong time. Now, I could do the one-piece. But one-pieces tend to squish all the twin skin and make your mid-section look a little unnaturally lumpy.So I decide to go for the long tankini. You know, long enough to cover the belly, but broken up enough that your midsection isn't too highlighted. So I select three possibilities from the Kohl's rack, take a deep breath and go to try them on.

The first, not so bad. I like it, don't LOVE it, but it's okay.

The next two....holy MOTHER of hell, give me back that first swimsuit freaking NOW!!!! Good God, I didn't realize that I hit the jackpot with the first suit until I tried on the other ones. I mean, YIKES!!!!!

So I am DONE stimulating the economy for awhile. I spent waaaay too much money this weekend what with the new gym membership and the Kohl's shopping spree. Plus I need to start saving my money for that snack bar.

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